Written by Genevieve Fuoco. (Artist-Montreal, 2019) – a purvey into the realm of online-dating in the 21st Century.
I deeply love my friends and I cherish the moments that I spent with them, but I cannot offer more than that. Perhaps more by anxiety or fear of disappointment. I never really understood it. The problem with mental health issues is that in hypomania you feel invincible and you feel like you’re the best. So, you take risks. You meet guys and girls, couples… You want to play with boys, you want to play with girls… Girls and boys at the same time. There is no limit and no censorship. After you regret, you do not recognize yourself. On the other side, when you are in depression, you tend to isolate yourselves, but you always have access to others via social media. For me, it’s not helping. Accessibility to others makes others inaccessible. I do not have the strength to make a phone call, have a coffee for news, but I still connect with my friends while they publish statutes and photos. The day social media became the primary source of communication, I lost my friends. I try to force myself, to get more involved, but it is still not natural. I try to find a balance between what people expect from me and what I can offer. I realize that I miss all my friends, even a lot.
Then I became single, I quickly realized that I had to turn to social media to meet people again. I am looking for, not the truth, but an adventure without banality. I feel on fire, feminine and sensitive and strong. I feel that I dare more, that I should dare even more, to stop being afraid and to do it, imperfectly perhaps, but to do it anyway. The creation of my profile was quotes of two films: Amelie and Asterix & Obelix: Mission Cleopatra. Random but well choose. I add a blurred picture of my body in lingerie. I received requests of all kinds: from the simple « hello », to « I would not hurt you » and « here is a picture of my penis » (always without the face). I did not know what to answer to a penis. Maybe, should I send another to him to destabilize him a little and make him understand that it is a little strange all the same. Testosterone in a pure state. A seed well planted, but not in my garden in full bloom. The « Grands crus » here are not necessarily of controlled origin and sometimes lacks maturity. My instinct cries out for me to live intensely, to say things I have never said, and not to censure myself. I decided to go to another site. You have to sort well. Swipe right. A match. It’s even easier than in person. Three spelling errors later I swipe left and it’s gone. It’s a bit like Amazing race. Throw in unknown country, with challenge and whose goal is to win. However, I got tired at browsing photos based solely on appearance, so I deleted the app. Then I met a young man. It was good fun and overnight, but then I understood the meaning of the term “ghosted” … who became a ghost. Without an explanation, he has disappeared, but remains none the less alive and well. No more phone calls, no more SMS, no more emails, no more contact … The ghosting concerns both the conquests of a night, couples, friendships … In one click, we are friends and in one click, we are no longer. If I am no longer the ideal product, that I am not exactly in accordance with what he asked for, he returns the product. Some form of utilitarianism. I am a baited fish, I die, then, once he gets what he wants, he goes away without worrying about the consequences. Everything falls in the water and I am left alone in a glass of water half empty faced with unanswered questions, victim of guilt and remorse unfounded. My first instinct is obviously to try to get in touch with him, but I fall into the vacuum trap. I understood. We were just « fuck friend » Nothing more. Just easy random flow. Let me know. Now or later. Later or now. Whatever. All the same shit. The Merry goes round again and again Then, I re-downloaded the app to swipe and get caught again. Just press « Like » and see where it will go. I have to waltz again from right to left, in my ups and my lows. Let the ball begin.